Currently Listening Wreck of the Day By Anna Nalick 2 A.M. see related

So, I'm posting this on this particular site so that only Company sees it.

Man alive, I really don't know what to say to ya'll.

I'm not blaming this on anyone...I'm not really even blaming anyone.

You have no idea how hard this is for me to tell you guys this...I don't do things like this...usually if someone hurts me, I shrug it off and try to forget about it.

But I can't forget about this.

I know you guys probably didn't do it on purpose, but the thought that you did is still there. I feel (meaning it isn't necessarily true, but it's how I feel) like you guys just don't like me, and intentionally left me out...for one reason or another.

I don't know what to do.

This entry is hopelessly disorganized, because I still can't even think strait...this is a small, small representation of what my mind is doing.

It's a jumbled mess.

I don't want excuses. That's why I'm posting this before I talk to you in person. I need to get all of this said with no interruptions.

I hope you know that I'm not just doing this to get attention and to get someone to feel sorry for me. I hope you know me well enough to know I wouldn't do that in a million years. I'm only doing it because I was truly, deeply hurt.

I don't want to hurt any of you by saying what I'm gonna say, but it's going to kill me if I don't talk to you guys about it. Seriously. I got home last night and I couldn't breath. My mom was on the verge of taking me to the emergency room, I think. I had to take a crap load of allergy medicine to be able to breath and see strait and not fall over.

I was going to go to the gym and just run for hours until I couldn't run anymore, but it was closed...it was 12:30 am. I had to go somewhere and blow off my steam before I demolished my house.

You want to know why I'm getting my motorcylce license? You want to know why I have such a huge facination with swords, archery, stunts, and such? You want to know why I struggle with not being annorexic? It's because they all have 1 thing in commmon. They're dangerous. That's the main reason. My mom hit the nail on the head last night on the way home when I was talking to her...she said, "you feel worthless unless you're doing something dangerous--life threatening somtimes--don't you?". It's true.

I hate being put in a box. One of my faveorite lines ever is in Two Towers when Aragorn asked Eowyn what she fears and she says, "A cage. To be behind bars..." It's exactly how I feel.

Don't try to put a label on me. I'm NOT a "prissy missy". I'd much rather go see a kick butt action movie than a chick flick. But don't call me a tom boy...I'm not.

Ok, so I don't know why I wrote the last 3 paragraphs. They don't really pertain to anything. Oh well.

Don't think that just because you think I never say--or even think--bad things about people, doesn't mean I don't. And don't think it means I don't feel bad things towards people.

I feel right now, like I have every right to give every one of you the cold-shoulder.

I probably don't, but I feel like I do.

I feel like ya'll just don't want me anymore...I'm boring and un-fun. Why would you want me? Well you got it. I'm leaving the team after the competition season. Sayonara!

*That was just me rambling and getting that out of my head...it's not completely true....*

If you haven't figured out yet what you have done to hurt me so badly, I'm disappointed.

I just don't know how...I can't put into words how this has hurt me. And how much this has hurt me.

This entry, in it's entirety, is not to be seen or heard by anyone outside of Company B.

I suppose I should go a head and just say what it was you guys did to me.

I don't want to. I want to think you know. But just incase you don't...

You went and took the ballet class at IPB without me.

You went and got pointe shoes. That was a milestone in all of your lives that I had been looking forward to sharing with you, both as one of your ballet teachers, but more importantly as a sister.

Everyone else knew about it...the flippin' Milligan's knew about it! Matt went...ok he's not even a dancer!

God! what were you guys thinking?!!

Why didn't you guys call me?

Or myspace me...

Or something??

I just don't know what else to say.

I think I could fill the ocean with the tears that I've cried over this...I just feel so terribly hurt.

I'm sorry....

Currently Listening Restless Soul By The Proclaimers see related

 Why do people compare themselves to other people? Why do people compare themselves only to other people? In everything...life in general, dance...just everything. It bugs me when people say to me, "well, just because you're not as good as you want to be, at least you're better than that person!". I don't care if I'm better than someone else...I don't care if I'm never any better than the worst person! I just want to be as good as I know I can be. I always just try to compare myself to myself. And to one other person...Jesus. Why don't more people try to do that? I mean, I'm not saying I'm perfect--Oh no...not even CLOSE!! But it just doesn't make sense to compare one's self to just another person. If you keep that up, you'll never amount to much! Therefore, my first New Year's Resolution is to always compare my self to One who is really worth being compared to.

 My second resolution (it's kinda linked to the first) is that I need to learn to not freak out when things don't go the way I planned, or wanted. I have a very bad habbit of getting set on something, then when it doesn't work, I can't handle it. And when I fail at things, it's really hard for me to take (...things like, oh let's see...I know! Just a little thing called my driving test! Stupid guy who failed me for no reason!!). AH! That's what I'm talking about. I know God doesn't like it when I loose controll of myself. But I just don't see the reason for things sometimes. Most of the time. When I used to do modeling and film and stuff like that, I noticed that when the cameramen would get a really, really wide shot, it was called a "god shot". Meaning, it was the entire picutre. As wide as they could possibly get! So that's what I need to think of. When something doesn't work right, before I have a panic attack, I need to step back and look at the god shot. I just need to be more calm, take what happens and move on.

 Three times I pleaded with Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.*

 So, in the new year I have resolved to

be more...

Christlike.

*2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Hey girls!

I am SO proud of you! You all do so well last night...it was amazing!!!!!!!!!

CONGRATULATIONS!!

Ok, I totally just forgot what I was gonna say. ...............................this is me trying to remember......................................................................................................................................................................................................!

It worked! I remember.

Oh my gosh, ya'll don't know how happy it made me that I finally got at least ONE kind of jazz technique down! Just oh my gosh! YAY! Honestly, I was like on cloud 9 when Brenda asked me to do Foggy Day! Wow...soooo happy!

So, there was one more thing I was gonna say, but I think I won't. Nevermind. Good night.

GOSH! WHY do guys have to be so stupid, and annoying, and... confusing, and...just...gah!! Ok, so here's why I'm so annoyed right now.

Someone (I'm not going to name names) *cough* who just got back from the marines *cough cough*, gave me something...and I really think he still likes me. WHY?? Dude, I don't like you! Go away...please. Stop doing things to make me like you. It's not gonna work. Grrr...